I’ve waited quite awhile to write this and I’m hoping that my spotty memory and iphone notes will help me write about this summer tour.
Let’s see “Gypsy chief goliath pigeon.”
I wrote that down?
What is that supposed to remind me of?
Ugh. Well here we go…
Lindsay, ON: The Division House
This is a house concert venue run by the members of The DGB (Daniel Greer Band) They also live there, or did, as that was one of the last shows they were putting on. The band was giving up the house and touring the country for the next 4 months. They would then decide where to live.
The house was a party house similar to those you would read about in the Guns and Roses Motley Crew autobiographies, just with less hard drugs and less loose women, but on par for cleanliness.
When I first got there the boys were cleaning up, kind of. They would pick up a can or bottle from one area of the room leave the other 4 or 5 pieces of trash go to another part of the room do the same and repeat. So I started to clean up.
The Division House is a music scene for teens-mid 20’s. I was clearly the oldest dude there. But it’s got a good following, or had, a place for kids to hang out drink and get high in a safe environment.
Daniel started the show off, He is a great personality, looks kinda like Heath ledger in Lords of Dog Town a raspy voice and a great laugh.
See how smokey it is ?
My favourite quote from him was:
“In Grade 8 I wore big clothes, now the style is tight. It’s working out for me, I haven’t bought new clothes since I was twelve.”
Also while playing a song coming to the end he asks the crowd
”What chord do end this on?”
Cassie Noble, the local tattoo artist, had sing alongs to her original songs which I have yet to get going, mayhap my lyrics are not so memorable, or people don’t know what the fuck I’m saying.
Before my set I had to take frequent brakes to go out side for fresh air. The basement was so cloudy with weed and cigarette smoke my eyes were so dry.
I end the night by sleeping on a dirty cigarette burned mattress.
Brighton, ON The Yacht Club
I have a cousins in Lindsay, I called Tracey up and asked if she wanted a house concert, I’ll be in the area and the day off. She was excited because it was it was John’s Birthday. She agreed but called the next day saying it was moved to the Yacht Club because there were so many people.
Yacht Club! I think, well well do I have to dress nice?
No.
It was a boat house for Yacht’s but just a hang out for boaters. No members only jackets or anything like that.
Ottawa, ON The Rainbow/ Avant Garde
2 night’s in Ottawa. I don’t usually book 2 shows at 2 different venues, but when I’m unknown and have no following, It’s not going to really affect the liquor sales at the bars.
These were not great shows. It was The week of The Ottawa Blues Fest.
The first night I was at The Rainbow also playing that night was My Morning Jacket and Death From Above 1979 among other such popular bands.
And when I went to the Rainbow I thought I was playing with local acts, you know people that would bring in fans?
No, there were 2 other touring acts.
Needless to say I played to the other bands and the dudes that worked there.
The next night I was at The Avant Garde opening for a instrumental Funk band. They pulled in few people but there were maybe 10 or 12. I played here the last time I came through.
The brightside is that I went from 3 people ignoring me at this bar, to 12 people ignoring me.
That’s a 300% growth of ignorance!
That night The Blues Fest had Metric Jane’s Addiction and Rise Against I think? I can’t remember the full line up.
The next day I was ready to get out of our Nation’s Capital. But the city had it’s claws in me. I got into a car accident.
It was my fault but the city tricked me. I came under a bridge in the left lane. Beside me was a granite meridian Then 2 other lanes. After the light turned green I began a left turn and a truck ripped up beside me going in the same direction on the other side of the meridian. I was on a one street. My front bumper ripped off and it snowed Styrofoam for the next 20 seconds.
The car was driveable. but stayed unfixed until Sept 6 when I brought it to a bodyshop in Vancouver. The damage took 9 days to fix.
The guy I hit couldn’t have ben nicer and helped me reattach the bumper with wire. I felt doubly bad when the cop gave him a ticket for not having the proper insurance card on him.
Onward I go through Quebec to New Brunswick…
Just A nice scenic shot leaving Quebec
Driving through Quebec takes some time So I needed a place to crash I chose some randomly named Motel. I asked if there were a pub close by that I could get a drink .
“The bar is attached to the Motel!”
"Alright I’ll see you there!”
I settled in the room and go out side. Around back is this white door with this small sign on it
“Club Bar”.
Snazziest sign I've ever seen.
Inside it was older folks I believe that the requirement of women in this place was having a smoker’s cough.
Driving to Fredericton I saw the sign Potato World Musem! Florenceville.
No Thank you.
Practice Spot.
Fredericton, NB The Capital Complex
This was a last minute gig I emailed my friends from She Roars! They just so happened to have a listening party for their upcoming CD and needed an opener.
This is a great little venue. I would love to go there again.
But alas, just like most concerts not as many people come out for the opener. I had a sparse crowd but when Oh No, Theodore came on it seemed everyone came out of the woodwork and stayed right to the end of She Roars! They have a solid fan base in their home town…I wonder what that’s like….
Roaming the bar after my set again found I was older than most.
I heard this come from some dude in a flat brim hat.
“Ugh, I’m turning 20 next week.” With such disdain that there could be no worse thing to happen to him in al of l his existence.
I’m 31 I’m fine. Despite being beleaguered by some white hairs in my chin…
Everyone around is about 20, one fine lad was smoking a pipe. Put it away hipster.
At my merch table a very drunk girl came up to me a said what I would hear multiple times on this tour.”
“Oh my God you look like ------ (whatever his name is) -----From True Blood!”
“I don’t know who that is.”
Turns out he is the werewolf guy on the show. I googled a picture of him sometime later.
"You must talk to girls all the time.”
"No, actually I don’t, I’m not one to abuse the power of the musician. To make sure of this I make sure to not have clever banter in between songs.”
I crashed on a couch at friends of She Roars! Where I was forced to stay up and watch Modern Family. I was not allowed to sleep. I was also requested I eat strawberries.
Before the show I wondered town and saw Red Coat Soldiers marching around.
I asked someone “Do you feel safer with them kickin’ around?”
“They keep away the zombies.”
Good answer.
They are just for show apparently they are just college kids with summer jobs no combat skills or authority. They might as well be soft mannequins.
Watch out! Syphilis is coming!
Sackville, NB Bridge Street Cafe
Afternoon show. I don’t know if I was there and people ignored me or if I had an invisibility cloak on, but as I’m playing people are sitting and reading novels, studying, working on there laptops. I mean I don’t play a lot of soft background noise tunes some are heavier rock songs. But they were deep into their Twilight or Harry Potter.
The show ended I went over the provincial border to Amherst in Nova Scotia to try and scramble up music for a room to sleep. It did not work So I headed to St John’s, NB. This is a very difficult city to drive through it is so twisty and hill riddled that I got lost twice trying to find a hostel I had booked. The hostel was not in a great area of town and for some reason all the men and boys were fat and shirtless. Sitting out on the porch standing on the sidewalk. Staring at me as I slowly cruised the decrepit neighbourhood hoping it would suddenly turn into some clean bright Pleasantville-like area where I would not have any fear of leaving a car loaded with equipment in the driveway. That never happened so I bolted, not before getting lost trying to get on the highway again, for Fredericton…. Ring Ring ring girls can I use your couch again? Yes I could!
So back to Fredericton where I watch more Modern Family!
This note was in my iPhone I remember it happening but don’t remember where.
Let me set the scene:
I was at a bar.
Scene set.
2 girls got my attention and said
“Just so you know we’re a lot of fun.”
Alright, great conversation starter.
“So on a scale of 1-10 what’s your score. 7, 8, 9?” I ask.
“Well on a scale of 5 we are a 4.5.”
“That’s too bad I only deal with 2.5’s”
and walked away.
Back to the tour.
Woodstock,NB New Ground Cafe
Hear I was offered a place to stay at the office on a futon or to stay 30 min away at a cottage on the lake.
Lake Please!
No phone service, beer in the fridge, a kayak and the water.
It was awesome. I didn’t even care that 4 people came to the café to hear me. I even stayed an extra day there.
While roaming I found a good ol’ boy local pub
As I sat drinking my beer in the corner one fellow, who was by himself, orders a porn star.
The Server asks the shot or the drink?
He ponders for a moment “the drink, but make it a double!”
The waitress of course had to look at the drink making chart.
I don’t think that’s a regular order on a Tuesday afternoon.
I met a fellow there who invited me to a barbeque.
“We’re makin ribs!”
“I’m in.”
Ribs, burgers, beer, rye, and poker.
Also there was a room for of deer heads in the basement.
I’m glad they weren’t human heads of people they lured to there house promising ribs and burgers.
*Side note
While driving I do not like to stop I want to get to where I am going as quick and as early as possible and that leaves me to eat on the go, Causing a lot of unwanted McDonald’s stops. I don’t like the burgers so I thought I’d try the McRib. I had so much McRib. I just went for that because it wasn’t a burger. I don’t know what is in a McRib but is is so sloppy with BBQ sauce that what ever the McRib is it is undetectable to your tastebuds. I’m glad the McRib is gone. McRib.
Moncton, NB Plan B
Moncton has Poutine Pizza!
As I waited for my order a family of 3 were deciding what to get . Mom, dad, and baby girl.
Dad says “Lets get Taco Pizza!”
Mom says” But I’m watching what I eat.”
Dad says "It’s just tomato, beef, and onion, it’s basically healthy!”
So they order that, and she get s a panzoraotti as well.
Mom watching her weight had looking at her food while she put it in her food hole.
I like Plan B I’ve played there twice and it’s nice to come in and know Tracey and J Byrd are going to be there it’s a home/family feeling in that bar.
Before the show I wandered around to some pubs and invited a couple to Plan B for the show. I went home to nap up before start time.
I am awakened by banging on the aprartment door that is above the bar.
I wake up and a guy says "Are you Neil?"
"Ya."
"You got a show tonight."
Oh shit it’s 10:30!
I was to start at 10
I brush my teeth throw on a hat set up and start. The people I had invited waited 45 minutes at the bar before I started. They left shortly after. I would too. I felt bad. But not that bad since the local musician I booked to share the stage with me did not show up.
He said he didn’t remember then I vaguely remember that.
This will not be the first time the local band does not show up for a gig on my tour. Tis just the beginning.
*Side Note-I wanted to pick up a hitchhiker. I didn’t care if they robbed me just drive the car now!
Moncton to Montreal. long drive.
Montreal, QB Burritoville
That’s right, Burritoville. No one has heard of this place even people from Montreal, but they have good food good servers and a nice stage upstair for rent and a decent free area downstairs. Daniel of The DGB recommended it and they had the night available.
Too bad it was a heat wave and they had no airconditioning. Before starting to play I had soaked through my T-Shirt.
The first set people were in the back room as I played. No one was in the front room or even the middle room. In between songs I would ask them to come up front and keep me company.
They did not.
I’m going to go with they didn’t speak English and felt it was rude to come so close to a performing musician. That’s prolly it….
McDonald’s again. On their tray liner they boast that only the best potatoes are used. I’m glad to see they have such high standards for the brown lump that grows in the ground rather than say, the employees who work there, or the “100%” beef they use in there burgers.
I have “Two men against abortion” written down.
Make up your own story for that.
Sault Ste Marie, ON
No show just stopped in with the day off. Very long drive from Montreal.
Needed a drink. Texted my friend from Steam Whistle to say I was here. Next moment there’s a phone call and Neil’s got a free bar tab!
While sitting and drinking a girl leans between me and the person siting beside me.
She smells of chicken fingers, i thought.
Turns to me and relays the following information
“I just threw up in my mouth a few minutes ago.”
Right on.
She reminded me of that Ke$ha chick. Just a little dirtier.
She ran into me coming out of the washroom.
"Wanna bang in the corner?”
“I don’t think those pieces of plywood (there was ply wood in the corner) will make a good sex fortress.” And went up stairs.
But not before showing her that when the plywood leaned up together they did not hold very well.
Thunder Bay, ON Ruby Moon
Home town show. I don’t think people remember I’m from there. Or they do and are trying to forget.
This is a cool venue. People come in for dinner and stay for the music. Normally that is what happens today the venue was closed until 9. (my start time) because they were catering a wedding. So no one was there till 930m, and even then it was fairly weak turnout. The people who were there were great. They talked with me bought some merch.
It's too bad those horrible people had there stupid wedding on the day of my show.
Jerks.
The day after the show I did a pub crawl and ran into Prevail and Rob The Viking and some other dude from The Swollen Members.
Pub Crawl Partner, T. Jack.
Prevail and I traded phone numbers and invited me to come to Kitsalano when I'm in Vancouver.
Why didn't you respond to my text Prevail?!?!
We had a date!
Did you invite someone else to your fancy barbecue?
Did you?
You broke my heart.
And Neil wept.
Happier times....
Passing through Manitoba. I’ll hit you on the ay back but I did stay in Brandon for a night I was asked to go visit Gina’s aunt whom I never met before in my life. I go to her nursing home up to her room.
“Stella? My name’s Neil. Gina asked if I’d come visit you. I’m traveling across Canada.”
“No. I’m not up. No.”
She was fully clothed laying on her bed.
“Uhhhh, alright maybe another time?”
“Ya that would be better.”
And that was my visit. She kicked me out.
So, I went to See Captain America. It was not good. End of review.
At one point around Thunder Bay I started to pee alot. like every hour or so. and just suddenly too. I would be driving and would be hit with a sudden intense need to go so slam on the brakes and off to the side of the highway. after a few days of this I ask Gina what's wrong with me. after a quick google search she figures I could have a prostate problem.
Awesome.
A day of worrying I ask "Hey I've been taking Echinasia pills recently because I was getting a sore throat, could that have anything to do with me pissing all the time?"
"Ya they are a diarrhetic! How many have you been taking."
"Three...three times a day."
Needless to say that is excesive. My prostate is fine. ANd I now pee at a more normal rate.
Moose Jaw, SK Java Express
I thought the café was called 23 Main Street Café. Since that was the title of the venue when I applied to and it was the name they gave me through our email contact.
Turns out no one knows what 23 Main Street Café is because it’s called Java Express.
I had 3 people in the café one guy walked in and asked “Why is it so dead in here.” I had no answer.
I also had no place to sleep and got a motel with the no money I made this day.
People of Moose Jaw look out for Moose walkers.
Birch Hills SK The Fusion Café
This was a very small town 1000 people small. Only half of the roads are paved.
While I waited for the café to open I stopped in to the only bar. It was in rough shape and I was told flooding. Somewhere between 1 and 2 feet of water in the basement. Also the ceiling looked to be folding and rippling.
The Café was great. I play in between meals during a 3 course dinner. The people all listened quietly while I played. That’s a rarity. And I was asked to do a few songs unplugged, which I rarely do, but actually quite enjoyed.
The Mayor of Birch Hills' home.
Calgary, AB The Blind Beggar Pub
When I was a kid I used to play a game where when I went for a pee I’d walk farther away from the urinal to see how far I could get. I started to do this while in a Taco Time bathroom. But soon realizd that towards the end of the pee you have to hussle back to the urinal before you piss on the floor. Also I thought what would I say if someone walked in and saw me 6 feet from the urinal with a big arching stream of urine shooting through the air.
“Just doing the pee distance game.”
A meal fit for kings, also known as a meal for those who are constipated.
I opened for Stone Cartel aka Nickleback aka Theory of a Dead Man. I wasn’t too impressed with the band, Because they did not promote the show at all.
You see, as a touring act in cities I’ve never been too, I rely on local acts to bring in the fans, if they don’t do that I’m playing to know one. They had a show at another venue in the city the following day, and told there fans about that one, not the show I was apart of. Well At least I drank for free. Thanks old dude who kept buying me shots!
Driving into Calgary, This didn't seem like a warm welcome.
It led to a hail storm.
Sorry Torrington AB, Since I did not go to the Potato Museum. I will not go to your Gopher Hole Museum.
Alright I’m taking a break and ending part one of the tour blog. Plus if I kept going it would be one long ass read.
Part 2 will come shortly.
-Neil
www.eyeswide.ca
